I'm still here . . . . . .

Long time no post . . . .

Been very busy - reserved a new build apartment 2 weeks ago and get the keys on Friday. Very rushed but had to be as I had until 31st March to take advantage of a government Homebuy Direct Scheme where you get 80% mortgage and the builder/government put up the other 10% each on a 5 year interest free loan.

Really pleased with apartment - 2 bed, through kitchen lounge, balcony overlooking park. Loads to buy now but got most big stuff as currently renting. I'll post some photos when I'm in.

Poker - Built my meagre $100 to $500 but not been playing too much and just when I fancy it.

Been internet dating lols and have had 3 dates in 2 weeks but apparently they don't like you seeing other women. I'm like a kid in a sweet shop atm

Hope everyone is well and happy. Good luck

Jokes -

Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a wank in the kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.
Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this . . . Why??"
She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the fuckin mop out again!!"

Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"
Bride says "Well . . . . .I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse!!!"

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your fuckin next!!"

Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".
Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.
"How does that feel?" he asks.
"Fucking lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear!"

A New Start . . . . . . . . .

Well there goes Xmas and New Year . . . . .
Hope everyone had a good time.

A bit different this year having split with the Mrs so mainly involved plenty of beer and mutual heckling with mates as we tried to pull Women over the festive period.
Went to a Cadbury's over 30's break up party and I swear the Women's tickets had over 50's on them but hay-ho any port in a storm seemed the general motto.

Spent Xmas dinner round the ex's and saw the grandkids etc before having my lad overnight and then on the beer Boxing Day which is always a good laugh but unfortunately with all race meetings cancelled the King George is now next weekend.

Bought my lad a bike for Xmas and he promply took the brakes off ( as they were getting in the way!!!) and then decided to become all inquisitive and take it apart without having a clue how to put it back together.
In short, the fckin thing is now in a cycle shop being put back together as he had lost some bits and pieces (binned them more likely) and I'm going to be £40 lighter when I pick it up later ffs. He can have a jigsaw for his Birthday so he realises how important it is to have all the pieces.

On the poker front I am left with a tiny $100 roll on FT and am going to have to try and build on it as I'm losing interest a bit and can't be arsed to reload if I bust it.

Hope you have a good 2011 -

Jokes -

NASA send an Aston Villa fan and 2 chimps into space. Radio messages were as follows.

NASA to chimp 1 . . . . Optimise life support systems and recalibrate radiation monitoring equipment.

NASA to chimp 2 . . . . Check trajectory and compensate if required using formula (m2-3n)x(5-m3)

NASA to Villa fan . . . . . Feed chimps. Touch Fuck all!!!!!!


I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge in my Speedo's was upsetting the other swimmers. I pointed out another guy with similar trunks and asked why he was not asked to leave. They replied "Because he hasn't shit himself!!!"

A hunter shoots himself in the dick with his shotgun. Several hours later lying in his hospital bed he is approached by his Doctor who says "The good news is you're going to be okay. The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis so I'm going to have to refer you to my Sister".
The hunter asks "Is she a plastic surgeon?"
"No" replies the Doctor, "She's a flute player. She will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face!!".

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"
"Thats easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!".

Good luck . . .

Still here . . . . .

Well I'm still trying . . . and Christmas is getting more expensive now I've got Grandkids.

Tbh, though people might say I've cocked up, I withdrew $1400 from FT as it just wasn't moving (apart from downhill), left myself $100 and have moved it up to $360 so I think it might have helped not only Xmas but also concentration.

Deposited £30 on WillHill and just came 3rd in a £5 added value for £83 so will try to build on that as well.

Anyway my lad has just taken up poker and has just started a blog asking for advice and as with all kids just thinks his Dad's a muppet.
If you are happy to help him out please leave a comment on BluenoseandSon and if he manages to stop wanking for 5 minutes he might get to read it. I reckon he's already lost his job he professes to have, so providing Amatay doesn't point him towards any sites that make him want to rip his cock off he might try to find another.

Anyways good luck all and thanks in advance for any help and assistance you can give him

Jokes -

Went out last night dressed to kill . . . . . . . . . Beard, sandals, turban and backpack.

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!"

Edit - Just read his profile and he likes Michael Buble - Fuck him!!!. H'es not mine.

Busy weekend ahead - SOTV

Finishing work at 7am, a few hours kip and then out on the lash/pull (anyone know any good lines?? Fucked if I know what I'm doing after 11 years out of the game and relying on my wit, charm and sense of humour after x pints of Stella might not work).
Then home to bed clutching the inevitable bottle of whatever I end up drinking last and go again from half 10 Sunday for the Villa - Blues game. SOTV for those that are wondering stands for Shit On The Villa.
TBH having lost the last 6 games to the Vile I'll settle for a point as it would stop the rot and save alot of earache from the claret and blue half of my mates and I think we have a chance. Aghbonlahor, who has scored 3 goals in 4 games against us, is out. Albrighton, who I rate, is suspended, their Captain, Petrov is injured and they've got Heskey (need I say more).
Here's hoping anyways . . . . .

On the poker front I'm plodding along and the roll is currently at $1.8k but I'm not making much progress as I seem too tight (without a drink) and too aggressive (with a drink) and need to find some MTT with between 100-200 players as opposed to the 90 manners on FT so will probably have to look for a new site to try out.

Only other news is that I'm looking at buying a flat sharpish as I hate renting as it's dead money. I need to get my name taken off the mortgage I had with the ex and she doesn't fancy playing ball at the moment so I'll have to keep trying without putting undue pressure on her. We've sorted out the finances and most of the separation agreement and I want to avoid sniping and arguing if at all possible as that has cost me in the past with regard to seeing my kids and financially when the solicitors get more out of it than you do.

Thats it for now. Hope everyone is winning and . . . . . . . SOTV.

Jokes -

"Give it here"
"No, it's mine"
"Let me have it"
"Its my turn!"
"You had it last"
"Fuck off!!"
"Come on gimme it"
"No way!"
"But it's my go!!!"

. . . . . . .Siamese twins having a wank


Cheryl Cole, Louis Walsh & Simon Cowell are walking along the street when Cheryl trips, falls forward and jams her head in some railings. Simon, quick as a flash, pulls her knickers down and bangs her senseless from behind. Slapping her tight little arse he turns to Louis and says "Your turn".
Louis starts crying.
"Whats wrong?" says Simon.
Louis sobs "My head won't fit in the railings!!"

Still plodding . . . but

I used to have quite a good win rate at poker as I was playing for fun and it didn't really make much difference financially.
Now I need the bloody $$ I'm break even which is a pain.
TBH now I'm in my flat I'm playing less as opposed to more as I have to do bloody housework (never knew what that was before).
I've realised it's not worth ironing anything as I end up with more creases than when I started and if I'm going to shave my head it's probably best to do it before I clean the bathroom and not 5 minutes after I've finished doing it.
Also working nights puts paid to 7 nights out of every 21.
I still enjoy the game but would really like to win a few $$ a month to take the pressure off with Crimbo and car tax due.
Bankroll at 1.7k as took $500 out to pay for a golf trip.
Came close last night though finishing 23/2027 in a $24 MTT on FT for $145ish when it was just under $10k ftw. Now that would have been nice :).

Hope everyone else is doing okay -

Joke - (3 for the price of one as my blogging is a little sparce at the moment)

The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife. They said "Is this your Wife Sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes!". They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident". I said "I know but she has a lovely personality!"

Teacher asks class to put the word contagious in a sentence.
Ron says "The measles are contagious".
Katie says "There is a bug going round and it's contagious"
Little Johnny says "My neighbour's painting his house with a 2 inch brush and Dad says it will take the contagious!!"

Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.
Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool whilst tapping the "No bombing" sign isn't the done thing.

Good luck all

Been a while . . . .

Since I updated but I'll keep it brief . . . . . .

A few things have happened the past couple of months which took slightly greater priority than the blog. . . . .

Split with the Mrs. Its been on the cards for a while as I was blogging on the possibilities of it happening 12 months ago.
Done now though, finances sorted and our Son (Cameron) seems happier now things have settled down and he can stay over at the flat I'm renting while I look for one to buy.

On the positive ( apart from every fucker calling me Grandad) I'm now a Grandad to Ella-Rose who was born in July and should be again in the next fortnight so am more than happy with that as my Son and his Mrs, though young are doing a great job.

Back on shifts from next week so nights here we come.

Just starting to try and concentrate on poker after 2 months of minimal play and all winnings would be handy at the moment which means I'll probably fuck the bank roll up the wall after a night out (Hope not tho its $2k)

Thats about it for now.

Joke -

Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"
Girl says "I dont think its in yet"
He replies "Yeah, thats the one!!!"

Good luck

Why are raincoats yellow???? . . . .

Any more questions???

Praying for a decent result tomorrow so come onnnn England.
Then for Chile to get a miraculous win against Brazil.

Apologies for the lack of a joke. I wiped all my texts in a drunken error.

Pokers shyt. Not played much as concentrating on the footie but up approx $300 for the month.

Gav

WP Mr McDowell . . .

Pokers not been so clever dropping approx $200 since the last post partially drunk partially sober. However I had a bit of good fortune when I read a BBC Sport golf editors blog and he put up Tim Clark and Graeme McDowell for the US Open. Not large bets but £2 on Betfair @ 76/1 and £1 ew on WillHill @ 66/1. Nobody can accuse me of being the last of the big spenders but nevertheless a nice lil profit though I was knackered at work having stayed up til 2am to watch him see it out.

Not going to mention England's performance in the World Cup as it's been done to death everywhere and a decent result Wednesday will calm things down for a bit and if not . . . . . .

However having backed Chile for a few quid more than what I had on Mr McDowell they look like they should get through but will then have to face either Brazil or Portugal so there is a long long way to go yet and having watched todays game against Switzerland they are going to have to use their heads a bit more if they are going to progress.

Anyways that's enough from me and I hope your all having a decent time.

Gav

Joke -

Paddy says to Mick "I'm being operated on tomorrow".
Mick replies "Oh. What are they going to do?"
Paddy says "Circumcise me!"
Mick says "I had that done when I was a few days old."
Paddy asks "Does it hurt?"
Mick replies "I couldn't walk for a year!!"

Still running good and a free bet . . . . .

Poker's still going well (approx $550 up for June) playing mainly 90 manners on FT and doing Steps when time is short to move up to the $26 ones as I don't think I'm rolled to play them with $2k. Let me know if you think different. I'm confident I'll never busto playing the $13 ones which makes life easier.

Free bet on 888.com where if you are a new customer and bet up to £20 they refund your first stake if it loses and you can withdraw it straight away rather than have to gamble it 50k times before its eligible.
It's limited to 1000 a day but as far as I can see you can have a flutter on who will win the World Cup and if you lose put the money back in your bank.
I think I'll back the Dutch with mine as I've already had a few quid on Chile.

Hope you're all winning

Gav

Joke -

Give £2 to a hungry African and all they do is buy a fucking trumpet!!!

Thats better . . . .

Since the last post I've played 4 $13 90 manner knockouts on FT.

Got a 3rd yesterday to almost wipeout the post holiday losses and then . . . .

a 1st tonight. Happy days and up $250 for the month so far.

Joke -

Man gets up to find his wife in the kitchen with one of his socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came home drunk". She replied.

Puzzled the man walks away thinking "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock!!"

Good luck all

Gav

Back of hols . . . . .

And donating $$ left, right and centre.
Great fortnight away but I have played prob 10 x $13 90 manners and even though I bubbled one tonight I have been playing shyt and making shtoopid decisions.
Could really do with sorting it out as the funds would be really appreciated but think I need to put that to the back of my mind in order to play properly.

Obv looking forward to the World Cup from Friday and providing Heskey trains on his own we might be okay. Have took advice from Wildcat and backed Chile a while back and the fuckers have gone out in price since the initial tip (certainly not moaning about the tip just my luck with the price) and will also be betting on Spain with a patriotic few quid on England (with a saver that we go out on penalties).

Other than that I have f all to say . . .

Good luck - Gav

Joke

Karma Sutra position number 52 - "The Pirate"
When going at it doggy style, just as you are about to cum, pull out and spit on her back so she thinks you've finished.
When she turns round unleash a blast right in her face to stun and amaze her!
Known as the pirate because she'll put her hand over her eye and say "Aarrghhh!!!"

Weeeee . . . Holidays . . . . .

Off on hols for a fortnight in a few hours. Must admit I want it to be snowing when I go away to piss people off or at a minimum pissing down but we are in the middle of scorchio at the moment so I can't wind anyone up.
Don't get to see the sea much in Brum (unless global warming gets a move on) so can't wait to get going.

Ended up $350 up for May but I've been playing like a proper twat the past week and can't blame bad play by any villain, suck outs etc and I have lost half the $$ I gained playing pissed a week ago. (Going to have 1 more $13 90 man KO around 5ish before we go to the airport to see if I can leave on a positive)

Bankroll at just under $1.4k and though I hate setting targets I could do with getting it to $2k before my next hol (last week July) and approx $5k by Xmas so I can withdraw $3k to pay off some bills and have a free Xmas.

Looking forward to a couple of weeks away from the laptop and see if I come back hungry to play.

I wish anyone going to the WSOP all the best.
Now where are those mini Speedo's??

2 jokes today . . .

The lead actor in our local pantomime "Aladdin" was arse raped on stage last night.
To be fair the audience did try to warn him!!

A woman is given a hospital tour. She looks in a room and sees a man wanking. "Thats awful" she says to a Doctor. He explains that the man has an incurable condition. His testicles fill with semen so fast that if he doesn't have a wank at least 5 times a day he is in agony. "Poor man." says the woman.
In the next room she spots a nurse sucking a mans cock.
"Explain that then" she says to the Doctor.
He replies "The same condition but he's with BUPA!!"

Thanks for reading - Gav

Donating some back . . . .

Have given approx $150 back since a winning Saturday but tonight I have seen some proper shit. I'm obviously not drunk enough in the week as at weekends I must play with a little more recklessness and aggression.
Was playing in a 135 man $11 Rush tourney and was double the average and got dealt AA and raised to 700 (blinds 100/200). Folds to big stack who calls and the blinds fold. Flop Kxx. I bet 700 and he raises all in. He has K8 and turn K river 8. Fuck off but I suppose we have good and bad and that was only one of a few hands that have got on my tits over the past few days.
Okay I'll piss off now I've had my rant.
FT Bankroll @ $1.6K so a few 100 up for the month so not all bad but I want moooore!!

Joke -

A Pakistani has died while training to be a sky diver. Sources at the National English Skydivers Association School have stated that they have no idea how his snorkel and flippers failed to open!!

Gotta FT . . .

Go out . . . . .get drunk . . . play a few . . . .win a 90 manner $26 for nearly $600 FT KO tyvm . . . .SOTV alive weeeeeeeeeeeee

Still can't get out the doghouse tho!!

Got a Granddaughter due 11/07/1o and Grandson due 07/09/10 and $$ can't hurt lol so congrats to my lads.
I might be a moaning fukka but I'm enjoying the way it's working out as its maturing them. (But not moi!!)
Love my lads loads and can't wait. . . .

And this is pure class. A lesson to us all . . . ~You may have seen it , , , ,

Our Clare


Joke . .. .

2 fish in a tank, 1st says to the second
"Any idea how to drive this fuckin thing!!"

Good luck

Deals and Diddling . . .

When I heard the result was a hung parliament I thought there may have been a rush on timber and rope at B&Q but apparently it just means that they have to do a deal with the people they've been slagging off to decide who gets power.
I preferred my first thought to be honest especially with the expenses fiddling fuckers and cocks who can't check their mikes are turned off. Imagine the dopey fucker making the same mistake at the G8.

Pokers a bit up and down at the moment. I don't think I'm rolled for the $26 90 man KO's yet so will have to stick to the $13 ones. Played $100 split between them last night before giving up as I couldn't win a hand even when miles in front so thought I'd better just call it a night.
Still up for the month but looking forward to my hols in a fortnight as it forces me not to play which I'm shit at doing on my own.
Good luck all . . .

Joke -

A couple are driving home and run over a badger. They get out of the car and find that it's still breathing but freezing cold.
Husband says "Put it between your legs and warm it up".
His Wife replies "But it's all wet and it stinks".
Hubby replies "Well hold the badgers fucking nose then!!"

A decent season . . .

Well Brum can't be overtaken for 9th in the Prem and can't get 8th so all in all a very very good 1st season back in the top league.
Next season will be the big test as we need a new keeper as Joe Hart will definately be going back to Man City and we need 2 strikers who might be able to find the net regularly. I'm not sure whether it's worth keeping Benitez as, even though he's a handful for defenders, his strike rate is shyte and we could put the £8m towards better.

On the poker front I keep losing and then getting back the shark status on Sharkscope but could do with being a couple of hundred $$ in front so it stays there. The thing is S/Scope doesn't take into account knockout $$ which would help. Spent most of the Steps I had and entered a $70+$5 knockout MTT on FT with the main one and got 5 knockouts to get the $$ back but went out when 90+/400+ when ran 99 into QQ when to be fair I knew I was beat but couldn't find the fold after raising and being put all in. I should have waited for a better spot as the top 45 got paid but made a stupid mistake. Oh well. Hopefully I'll learn from it. $150 up for the month and will be playing the PokerPlayer freeroll, the SuperSeries on WillHill and a couple of $26 90 man knockouts later as I've done the family bit all day which was thoroughly enjoyable and has got me some poker brownie points.

Hope you're all winning.

Joke -

A man and his Wife are having a stroll around the zoo. As they walk past the gorilla cage they notice he has a hard-on and is gazing at the mans Wife.
The man says "Lift your skirt and tease him". The gorilla goes mental.
"Get your tits out!" The gorilla goes berserk.
The Husband opens the cage and throws his Wife in . . . . .
"Now tell him you've got a fuckin headache!!"

Premier League Manager of The Season . . . .

Roy Hodgson in my book . . .
Getting Fulham to a European final has to be the best achievement of the season in my book and fair play to the fella as he's not the most inspiring bloke to listen to.
On the poker front I'm posting a $500 (£325) profit for the month which I'm happy with even if I have dropped $200 since my last post. FT roll currently stands at $1k. However I've been doing a few low stakes Steps and am starting the month with 1 x Step 1, 2 x Step 3 and a Step 4 which isn't counted in the profits so will try turn that into funds over the weekend. I might try just building Steps in the week to aim at weekend shots but we'll see.

Hope you're doing well

Gav

Joke -

American, Frenchman, Englishman and Pakistani are standing on the top of the Eiffel Tower. American throws a load of money over the edge. "What did you do that for?" the others ask. "We have so much money in the states that I can afford to". He replies.
The Frenchman throws a case of Champagne over the side and says "We have so much fine Champagne here that I can throw as much as I like over".
The Pakistani looks at the Englishman and says "DON'T YOU FUCKIN DARE!!"

Small things please small minds . . . . . lol

For a while I've been jealous of those with a shark on Sharkscope so I thought I'd better post my bugger before I lose it.
This month is proving rather good since I played the FT 90 player knock outs and I'm currently at $700 profit as this weekend has gone quite well.
My FT roll currently stands at $1.2k.
Will probably lose the shark status by Wednesday so I'll post it for posterity.

Cheers all

Not sure how I lost . . . .

A 7 to 1 chip lead . . . .

Just came 2nd in a $20 90 manner but can't believe I didn't win.
I was murdering the FT and just thought I could carry on but stopped hitting anything and got rivered FTW when holding top pair vs gut shot which hit.
$280 profit for the night but should have been double.
Oh well. Good night . .

Late edit - In all honesty I had a load of luck and could have gone out alot earlier so happy enough with the 2nd.

Just seen this lad on Soccer AM and googled his rapping in jumpoffs and found this 44 second piece that just kills his opponent and is class and I've never took any notice before.
Professor Green

Joke -

I lost in a pub quiz by 1 point . . . . . .
The question was "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"
Apparently its Africa!!

Feel like shit = Play shit

Got the flu at the minute and feel like I've recieved a good kicking to the ribs (Sleeping with one eye open in case it's the Wife).
Only played a few games over the past few days but can't get moving as a lack of energy and thick headedness is reflected in no aggression and no concentration so the profits have dwindled to $100 for the month.

Following one numb nut Son telling me I am to become a Grandad in July my other one decided that a stupidity club with one member would be a lonely one and informed me over the weekend that his Mrs is also with Child.
His argument that I had him when I was 21 didn't really hold up when I explained I had a job and a house by the time he came along and he has neither ffs.
I'm surprised he had the energy to give her one tbh as he's such a lazy git but the merry-go-round starts again with regard to buying baby stuff (which I don't mind) but I worry that neither of them have even had a life yet which was the one that thing I regretted when my mates were off on holidays and buying decent motors in their early 20's.
Neither of them live with me but I see them all the time and yet their Mother is still looking at me as if it's down to me.
I'm not really a grouchy old tool and even though they know how a feel to an extent I'm not telling them everything as they need to find things out for themselves and may not be fussed about the same things I was.

Anyways enough of the grouchy old man routine.

Joke -

A young lad was sat in class scratching his crotch. The teacher asks him whats wrong and embarressed he tells her that he has been circumcised and it's a bit itchy.
His teacher tells him to go the the reception and ring his Mom for some advice.
He comes back with his cock hanging out!!
The teacher shouts "What on earth are you doing?"
"Well Miss, Mum said if I could stick it out til lunchtime she'd come and get me!"