Wednesday, 23 March 2011

I'm still here . . . . . .

Long time no post . . . .

Been very busy - reserved a new build apartment 2 weeks ago and get the keys on Friday. Very rushed but had to be as I had until 31st March to take advantage of a government Homebuy Direct Scheme where you get 80% mortgage and the builder/government put up the other 10% each on a 5 year interest free loan.

Really pleased with apartment - 2 bed, through kitchen lounge, balcony overlooking park. Loads to buy now but got most big stuff as currently renting. I'll post some photos when I'm in.

Poker - Built my meagre $100 to $500 but not been playing too much and just when I fancy it.

Been internet dating lols and have had 3 dates in 2 weeks but apparently they don't like you seeing other women. I'm like a kid in a sweet shop atm

Hope everyone is well and happy. Good luck

Jokes -

Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a wank in the kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.
Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this . . . Why??"
She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the fuckin mop out again!!"

Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"
Bride says "Well . . . . .I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse!!!"

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your fuckin next!!"

Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".
Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.
"How does that feel?" he asks.
"Fucking lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear!"

Friday, 7 January 2011

A New Start . . . . . . . . .

Well there goes Xmas and New Year . . . . .
Hope everyone had a good time.

A bit different this year having split with the Mrs so mainly involved plenty of beer and mutual heckling with mates as we tried to pull Women over the festive period.
Went to a Cadbury's over 30's break up party and I swear the Women's tickets had over 50's on them but hay-ho any port in a storm seemed the general motto.

Spent Xmas dinner round the ex's and saw the grandkids etc before having my lad overnight and then on the beer Boxing Day which is always a good laugh but unfortunately with all race meetings cancelled the King George is now next weekend.

Bought my lad a bike for Xmas and he promply took the brakes off ( as they were getting in the way!!!) and then decided to become all inquisitive and take it apart without having a clue how to put it back together.
In short, the fckin thing is now in a cycle shop being put back together as he had lost some bits and pieces (binned them more likely) and I'm going to be £40 lighter when I pick it up later ffs. He can have a jigsaw for his Birthday so he realises how important it is to have all the pieces.

On the poker front I am left with a tiny $100 roll on FT and am going to have to try and build on it as I'm losing interest a bit and can't be arsed to reload if I bust it.

Hope you have a good 2011 -

Jokes -

NASA send an Aston Villa fan and 2 chimps into space. Radio messages were as follows.

NASA to chimp 1 . . . . Optimise life support systems and recalibrate radiation monitoring equipment.

NASA to chimp 2 . . . . Check trajectory and compensate if required using formula (m2-3n)x(5-m3)

NASA to Villa fan . . . . . Feed chimps. Touch Fuck all!!!!!!

I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge in my Speedo's was upsetting the other swimmers. I pointed out another guy with similar trunks and asked why he was not asked to leave. They replied "Because he hasn't shit himself!!!"

A hunter shoots himself in the dick with his shotgun. Several hours later lying in his hospital bed he is approached by his Doctor who says "The good news is you're going to be okay. The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis so I'm going to have to refer you to my Sister".
The hunter asks "Is she a plastic surgeon?"
"No" replies the Doctor, "She's a flute player. She will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face!!".

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"
"Thats easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!".

Good luck . . .