Wednesday, 23 March 2011

I'm still here . . . . . .

Long time no post . . . .

Been very busy - reserved a new build apartment 2 weeks ago and get the keys on Friday. Very rushed but had to be as I had until 31st March to take advantage of a government Homebuy Direct Scheme where you get 80% mortgage and the builder/government put up the other 10% each on a 5 year interest free loan.

Really pleased with apartment - 2 bed, through kitchen lounge, balcony overlooking park. Loads to buy now but got most big stuff as currently renting. I'll post some photos when I'm in.

Poker - Built my meagre $100 to $500 but not been playing too much and just when I fancy it.

Been internet dating lols and have had 3 dates in 2 weeks but apparently they don't like you seeing other women. I'm like a kid in a sweet shop atm

Hope everyone is well and happy. Good luck

Jokes -

Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a wank in the kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.
Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this . . . Why??"
She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the fuckin mop out again!!"

Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"
Bride says "Well . . . . .I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse!!!"

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your fuckin next!!"

Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".
Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.
"How does that feel?" he asks.
"Fucking lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear!"

Friday, 7 January 2011

A New Start . . . . . . . . .

Well there goes Xmas and New Year . . . . .
Hope everyone had a good time.

A bit different this year having split with the Mrs so mainly involved plenty of beer and mutual heckling with mates as we tried to pull Women over the festive period.
Went to a Cadbury's over 30's break up party and I swear the Women's tickets had over 50's on them but hay-ho any port in a storm seemed the general motto.

Spent Xmas dinner round the ex's and saw the grandkids etc before having my lad overnight and then on the beer Boxing Day which is always a good laugh but unfortunately with all race meetings cancelled the King George is now next weekend.

Bought my lad a bike for Xmas and he promply took the brakes off ( as they were getting in the way!!!) and then decided to become all inquisitive and take it apart without having a clue how to put it back together.
In short, the fckin thing is now in a cycle shop being put back together as he had lost some bits and pieces (binned them more likely) and I'm going to be £40 lighter when I pick it up later ffs. He can have a jigsaw for his Birthday so he realises how important it is to have all the pieces.

On the poker front I am left with a tiny $100 roll on FT and am going to have to try and build on it as I'm losing interest a bit and can't be arsed to reload if I bust it.

Hope you have a good 2011 -

Jokes -

NASA send an Aston Villa fan and 2 chimps into space. Radio messages were as follows.

NASA to chimp 1 . . . . Optimise life support systems and recalibrate radiation monitoring equipment.

NASA to chimp 2 . . . . Check trajectory and compensate if required using formula (m2-3n)x(5-m3)

NASA to Villa fan . . . . . Feed chimps. Touch Fuck all!!!!!!

I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge in my Speedo's was upsetting the other swimmers. I pointed out another guy with similar trunks and asked why he was not asked to leave. They replied "Because he hasn't shit himself!!!"

A hunter shoots himself in the dick with his shotgun. Several hours later lying in his hospital bed he is approached by his Doctor who says "The good news is you're going to be okay. The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis so I'm going to have to refer you to my Sister".
The hunter asks "Is she a plastic surgeon?"
"No" replies the Doctor, "She's a flute player. She will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face!!".

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"
"Thats easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!".

Good luck . . .

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Still here . . . . .

Well I'm still trying . . . and Christmas is getting more expensive now I've got Grandkids.

Tbh, though people might say I've cocked up, I withdrew $1400 from FT as it just wasn't moving (apart from downhill), left myself $100 and have moved it up to $360 so I think it might have helped not only Xmas but also concentration.

Deposited £30 on WillHill and just came 3rd in a £5 added value for £83 so will try to build on that as well.

Anyway my lad has just taken up poker and has just started a blog asking for advice and as with all kids just thinks his Dad's a muppet.
If you are happy to help him out please leave a comment on BluenoseandSon and if he manages to stop wanking for 5 minutes he might get to read it. I reckon he's already lost his job he professes to have, so providing Amatay doesn't point him towards any sites that make him want to rip his cock off he might try to find another.

Anyways good luck all and thanks in advance for any help and assistance you can give him

Jokes -

Went out last night dressed to kill . . . . . . . . . Beard, sandals, turban and backpack.

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!"

Edit - Just read his profile and he likes Michael Buble - Fuck him!!!. H'es not mine.

Saturday, 30 October 2010

Busy weekend ahead - SOTV

Finishing work at 7am, a few hours kip and then out on the lash/pull (anyone know any good lines?? Fucked if I know what I'm doing after 11 years out of the game and relying on my wit, charm and sense of humour after x pints of Stella might not work).
Then home to bed clutching the inevitable bottle of whatever I end up drinking last and go again from half 10 Sunday for the Villa - Blues game. SOTV for those that are wondering stands for Shit On The Villa.
TBH having lost the last 6 games to the Vile I'll settle for a point as it would stop the rot and save alot of earache from the claret and blue half of my mates and I think we have a chance. Aghbonlahor, who has scored 3 goals in 4 games against us, is out. Albrighton, who I rate, is suspended, their Captain, Petrov is injured and they've got Heskey (need I say more).
Here's hoping anyways . . . . .

On the poker front I'm plodding along and the roll is currently at $1.8k but I'm not making much progress as I seem too tight (without a drink) and too aggressive (with a drink) and need to find some MTT with between 100-200 players as opposed to the 90 manners on FT so will probably have to look for a new site to try out.

Only other news is that I'm looking at buying a flat sharpish as I hate renting as it's dead money. I need to get my name taken off the mortgage I had with the ex and she doesn't fancy playing ball at the moment so I'll have to keep trying without putting undue pressure on her. We've sorted out the finances and most of the separation agreement and I want to avoid sniping and arguing if at all possible as that has cost me in the past with regard to seeing my kids and financially when the solicitors get more out of it than you do.

Thats it for now. Hope everyone is winning and . . . . . . . SOTV.

Jokes -

"Give it here"
"No, it's mine"
"Let me have it"
"Its my turn!"
"You had it last"
"Fuck off!!"
"Come on gimme it"
"No way!"
"But it's my go!!!"

. . . . . . .Siamese twins having a wank

Cheryl Cole, Louis Walsh & Simon Cowell are walking along the street when Cheryl trips, falls forward and jams her head in some railings. Simon, quick as a flash, pulls her knickers down and bangs her senseless from behind. Slapping her tight little arse he turns to Louis and says "Your turn".
Louis starts crying.
"Whats wrong?" says Simon.
Louis sobs "My head won't fit in the railings!!"

Thursday, 7 October 2010

Still plodding . . . but

I used to have quite a good win rate at poker as I was playing for fun and it didn't really make much difference financially.
Now I need the bloody $$ I'm break even which is a pain.
TBH now I'm in my flat I'm playing less as opposed to more as I have to do bloody housework (never knew what that was before).
I've realised it's not worth ironing anything as I end up with more creases than when I started and if I'm going to shave my head it's probably best to do it before I clean the bathroom and not 5 minutes after I've finished doing it.
Also working nights puts paid to 7 nights out of every 21.
I still enjoy the game but would really like to win a few $$ a month to take the pressure off with Crimbo and car tax due.
Bankroll at 1.7k as took $500 out to pay for a golf trip.
Came close last night though finishing 23/2027 in a $24 MTT on FT for $145ish when it was just under $10k ftw. Now that would have been nice :).

Hope everyone else is doing okay -

Joke - (3 for the price of one as my blogging is a little sparce at the moment)

The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife. They said "Is this your Wife Sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes!". They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident". I said "I know but she has a lovely personality!"

Teacher asks class to put the word contagious in a sentence.
Ron says "The measles are contagious".
Katie says "There is a bug going round and it's contagious"
Little Johnny says "My neighbour's painting his house with a 2 inch brush and Dad says it will take the contagious!!"

Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.
Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool whilst tapping the "No bombing" sign isn't the done thing.

Good luck all

Thursday, 2 September 2010

Been a while . . . .

Since I updated but I'll keep it brief . . . . . .

A few things have happened the past couple of months which took slightly greater priority than the blog. . . . .

Split with the Mrs. Its been on the cards for a while as I was blogging on the possibilities of it happening 12 months ago.
Done now though, finances sorted and our Son (Cameron) seems happier now things have settled down and he can stay over at the flat I'm renting while I look for one to buy.

On the positive ( apart from every fucker calling me Grandad) I'm now a Grandad to Ella-Rose who was born in July and should be again in the next fortnight so am more than happy with that as my Son and his Mrs, though young are doing a great job.

Back on shifts from next week so nights here we come.

Just starting to try and concentrate on poker after 2 months of minimal play and all winnings would be handy at the moment which means I'll probably fuck the bank roll up the wall after a night out (Hope not tho its $2k)

Thats about it for now.

Joke -

Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"
Girl says "I dont think its in yet"
He replies "Yeah, thats the one!!!"

Good luck

Saturday, 26 June 2010

Why are raincoats yellow???? . . . .

Any more questions???

Praying for a decent result tomorrow so come onnnn England.
Then for Chile to get a miraculous win against Brazil.

Apologies for the lack of a joke. I wiped all my texts in a drunken error.

Pokers shyt. Not played much as concentrating on the footie but up approx $300 for the month.