Tuesday, 29 December 2009
Thursday, 24 December 2009
Friday, 18 December 2009
I've entered 3 times as I've been on earlies and come 6/412 for $165, 45/424 for $20 and today 3/444 for $355 (my JJ beaten aipf v A5). Will win it eventually.
Thanks for the comments on the previous post.
My middle lads (Callum) solicitor reckons the CPS will drop the prosecution or he will get a referral order still if they carry on and he pleads Guilty before the trial.
On the baby front I've had a chat with both Callum and his GF and said that I would support them whatever they decide and I feel alot better about the situation than I did even though its a ridic situation to be in at their age and in their circumstances.
I always said I would support my kids through thick and thin but didn't think he would take the thick element so seriously.
A fella walks into an Ann Summers shop and asks for a see-through negligee, size 48-50-56. The shop assistant looks at him and asks "Why the fuck would you wanna see through that?!!"
Good luck all
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
Neither of my kids had a criminal record until 3 weeks ago and now both will have one.
Eldest (19) decides to "borrow" his Moms car to go to McDonalds. A few problems with this -
1 - He doesn't have a driving licence (therefore no insurance)
2 - He's had 3 pints
3 - His Mom didn't know he was "borrowing" it.
Needless to say he gets pulled (not for speeding, not for driving erratically etc but for it being 1am and avoiding eye contact with the nice policemen driving in the opposite direction).
In short a 12 month ban, £300 fine + costs. The ban could be 8 months if he does an Aquarius course but he didn't have a licence in the 1st place so no point in getting a provisional back early so might as well put the course money towards passing his test.
To cap it his mother had to pay £170 to get the car out the pound they had towed it to.
WP Sir Numbnut.
2nd eldest (16) up for assault and could and should have still not had a record but for his fookin wank solicitor.
Arrived at court early as he needs an adult with him and the first solicitor says that the statements made by the "victims" are all over the place as they can't say who throught the 1st punch and it just reads like it was a typical teenage punchup fuelled by a few drinks. However as he has stated on tape that he punched the other fella twice before it was all over then he might want to consider pleading Guilty and just end up with a 8-12 month referral to Youth Offenders, which when complete, results in no criminal record. (This sounded okay to me as he had already admitted he lamped somebody and he didnt have a mark on him whereas the other lad didn't look too clever so just on photo's alone, in my mind it didn't really matter who started it as the pics would not look good in court).
However when the court broke for lunch his solicitor advised that she was not available in the afternoon and her colleague would be taking over. This fella had a word with Callum and said that the Witness statements were all over the place, contradicting each other, and that he should go not guilty and take his chances. I said that I didn't think it was worth the risk as if found guilty the referral would not be an option but he said that was his advice and Callum took it.
However this now means that he has a 2 day trial with his c0-accused in March so it will be hanging over him/us for another 3 months. TBH Callum wasn't expecting a trial and I ripped the solicitor a new one outside as I said he had just fucked up imo and then he backtracked and said that if we wanted to speak to his colleague and then write to the court to plead guilty it was up to us. Fookin tosspot wanker. It still won't be as easy as just admitting you had a ruck and them letting it go as he has said "not guilty" now so they will not give him the credit for an early guilty plea.
AND to top it all the dopey bollocks has got his girlfriend pregnant. He hasn't had the maturity to tell me yet but his girlfriend told his Mom last week and she told me. If he hasn't got the maturity to tell his Parents about this there is no chance going forward imo.
He's doing a bricklaying apprenticeship, lives with his Mom, and gets £30 EMA grant from college and yet he has told Liz (GF) that he will support her if she wants to have the baby but will not be moving into a council flat as he hasn't had a life yet and has only just left school.
Support a baby on £30 a week????? Wants to have a life????? Grow up Son. It doesn't work like that after the event. FFS.
Mind you after all that my mate said to me that I seemed to be taking it quite calmly.
My reply "It could have been worse. My Mrs could have told me she was pregnant". Always got to try and find a positive . . .
Right. I think this post has gone on long enough.
Having read this through my family sound like a right bunch of pikeys so I'm off to buy a caravan . .
SKYSPORTS BREAKING NEWS!!!!
It has been announced that next years shirt sponsor for Tiger Woods will be Tampax.
A spokesman for Tampax said "To sponsor a cunt going through a bad period is exactly what our company is about!"
Good luck all.
I need Mothercare to do a freeroll and sharpish . . .
Thursday, 10 December 2009
I get rake back and for the past few months they have had a promotion where you also got a monthly bonus which equated to a % of the rake.
Not being a high volume player its only a few quid but its free money and I like free money.
Anyways this month I got the usual popup at the End of November saying it was continuing in December but no payment so I left it a few days and emailed WillHill.
1st mail - They said they don't have a monthly bonus scheme.
2nd mail - They said they did and I would recieve £71 in 24 hours (Bonus as I was only expecting £20).
3rd email - Back to square 1 and they say they don't do a monthly bonus.
Was really dying to mail back and say "It's your feckin site. How come you don't know your arse from your feckin elbow and what offers you have". The previous payments or rake don't appear on my history so I can't send them previous to make my point and I don't want my bankroll of £1300 frozen should they freeze my account if I call them a bunch of muppets over £20.
Still pisses me off that they don't know what they are doing but they have asked me to do a screenshot if the offer comes up again, which I will, just so they know I'm not trying it on.
Enough moaning for now - GL all
Joke (and I liked this one) -
Zoo keeper says to Paddy "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with him. Would you consider shagging him for £500?"
Paddy replies "I will on 3 conditions; 1st I'm not going to kiss it, 2nd my family must never know and 3rd I'll need a couple of weeks to get the money together!!"
Friday, 4 December 2009
Got to be happy with that and we should definately be good for the latter stages but being a Bluenose I'm never confident about much.
Just gutted that I forgot the World Cup when booking my hols for next year as I'm away last week May/ First week June and Last week July/ First week August.
If you can't get to the World Cup itself there's nothing better then being in the sun and watching the games from a bar by the beach.
Littleacornman has given me a few tips for turbo sng's so am going to have a go at some of them over the next few days as I think I'm wasting potential cash time on the deep stacks but we'll see how the variance affects me but thanks to Acorn for that anyways.
The 7 dwarfs went to meet the Pope.
"Go on Dopey ask him" chant the other 6.
"Okay" said Dopey "Are there any Nuns in Alaska Sir?"
"Yes there are" said the Pope
"Go on Dopey ask him" urge the other 6.
"Are there any black nuns in Alaska Sir?" asks Dopey
"Yes there are" said the Pope.
"Go on Dopey ask him" . .
Dopey blushed "Are there any midget black Nuns in Alaska?"
"No I don't believe there are" said the Pope.
The other 6 dwarfs leap up and down and shout "Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"
Childish I know lol
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
With Wigan away followed by West Ham at home, Blackburn at home and Everton away I can't see any reason to stop the run yet but we will have to wait and see. (Positive thoughts from a normally realistic, "we'll get a kick in the nads soon" pessimistic sod).
On the poker front a small profit of £163 for November which keeps things going in the right direction but could do with a decent score in time for the Xmas drinks marathon thats round the corner.
The weekend went well at Towcester, no big price winners, but ended near enough level apart from the alcohol consumed and it was feckin freezin so we went to the pub after the 4th race. A good day out though so will be going there again when the global warming takes place.
Joke - (Didn't have one so thought I'd post some golf terms a mate mailed me)
GOLFING TERMS EXPLAINED...LATEST UPDATES
A Sally Gunnell - not pretty but a good runner
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer
A Diego Maradona - a very nasty 5 footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rio Ferdinand - Lipped out
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A Cuban - needs one more revolution
An Adolf - two shots in the bunker
A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect
A Kate Moss - bit thin
A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
A David Trimble - tentative prod
A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result
A Peter Mandelson - an unbelievable iron
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson - got away with it
A Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but still a good
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
A Robin Cook - just died on the hill
A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air, but didn't have the legs
An Arsene Wenger - everyone saw where it went but you
A Ken Livingstone - quite far left
A Jean-Marie LePen - a long way right
A condom - safe but didn't feel real good
A circus tent - a BIG top
An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it
A Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the target
. . . . . . and my personal favourite
A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn't be
Thursday, 26 November 2009
Off to Towcester for the horse racing on Saturday. Free to get in and got a hotel in a village about a mile away. Moved back home a couple of weeks ago and everything is hunky dory atm and its Maggies Birthday Saturday. She enjoys going racing so if we get a couple of winners the day might pay for itself. I'll never put her off backing a horse that she picks ("because I like the name of it") as a couple of Boxing Days ago we went to Towcester and the 2nd race there was a horse with form like 000PPFP00P and she put £2 on in it with me laughing and it romped home @ 66's so what do I know?? Even 66's seemed short with 1 leg shorter than the other 3 and the jockey covered in bubble wrap.
On the poker front it was a bugger to get a letter from the publishers of Inside Poker advising that the December issue would be the last (though they are adding my remaining subscriptions copies onto my Poker Player one.) I enjoyed the reading and freerolls (never won one but you keep trying) but I suppose with the internet forums and advice etc along with the training vids it may have been a hard market place. Hopefully Poker Player will keep going for a while yet.
In my last post I mentioned poker tracking software and as luck would have it Poker Player did an summary of it in their December issue. They went for Holdem Manager over Poker Tracker and for the sake of $80 I am planning to buy it in the next few weeks. Not overly sure whether its relevent to SNG's which I mainly play but its not a big amount to lay out and I'm hoping it helps improve my profits.
Think thats enough for now
The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim doll.
Nobody knows what it says yet as no-ones got the bollocks to pull the cord.
Late edit - Have downloaded Holdem Manager trial version but can't work out how to save my hand history on my hard drive from Will Hill poker. Can anyone help. Have found "save hand history locally" on the system setting option but not sure whether this saves to my hard drive and if so where??
Can anyone help?
Later post - Found it. At least I think I have. . .
Saturday, 21 November 2009
I think Birmingham should beat Fulham if we keep playing the way we have against Sunderland, Man City and Liverpool. Fulham are on a fair run themselves but after Ngog's dive at Anfield I hope the referee might be under a bit of pressure from the crowd today and I would even back us to be given a penalty if I could find any odds (I'll have to look on betfair).
Elsewhere I think Sheff Utd should beat Peterborough, Spurs should beat Wigan, Dagenham & Redbridge might beat Rochdale and Leicester should beat Plymouth.
On the poker front I am about £100 up for the month and have changed my routine to SnG's in the week and am having a crack at the larger fields MTT's on Fri/Sat when getting my arse to bed isn't that important as I want a crack at winning a couple of $k for a small lay out.
I have also asked a fellow blogger (microstakes bankroll builder) for some info on how my username (fuktheriva) comes across to anyone who uses software to do searches on the opposition to see if any adjustments should be made as I might be too TAG for my own good at times, but I'll see what he comes back with. I don't use any software myself as I'd rather just play the game and only play part-time but I'm probably losing an edge being so lazy.
Anyways good luck
Lady mourning her husband for 4 years finally goes away with a man for a weekend.
On their 1st night she gets naked except for a pair of black knickers.
Fella says "Why the black knickers?"
She replies "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I'm still in mourning".
Next night the same time. Only this time the fella's wearing a black condom.
She asks him "Whats with the black condom?"
He replies "I want to offer you my condolences!!"
Thursday, 29 October 2009
Got on so well that it was like the first 10 years of marriage and the last 12 months we agreed were a write off. As opposed to just moving back in straight away we are going to see each other a few times a week for a couple of weeks just to make sure it wasn't a 1 off and then start again if all goes well. A bit of effort and give and take on both parts and there's no reason we can't get back to how we were and Cameron will have a happier life as a result (I hope).
On the poker front I won't be playing much for the next couple of nights so will post my profit of £332 now which is the best I've done in 6 months. The bankroll is now just over £1k but the break has pushed my overdraft and credit cards up due to the extra drinks I've been forced into going out for etc so whenever I get to £1500 I'm going to bank £500 til I'm level again and stick with a £1k bankroll which is easily enough for my levels anyways.
Finally I had a bit of a sickener with a footie bet yesterday. I had a 5 game accy Tues/Weds and needed Juventus and AC Milan to win for a £330 return for £10 which would have made for a decent weekend at least. Both were winning 2-0 at 1 point so I was pretty confident and Juventus went on to batter their opponents and AC were still 2-0 up after 89 minutes. Happy days you would have thought but no. Napoli scored twice in the 90th minute to fuck me over with a marrow. Wankers . . .
Joke (Its shyt so apologies but they seem in short supply at the mo)
Whats the difference between pussy and parsley?
Who the fuck eats parsley??
Edit a better joke . .
2 muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames Barrier.
Police think it may be the start of Ram a Dam!!
Saturday, 24 October 2009
Over $1k profits showing on Sharkscope (fuktheriva) with decent ROI and recently the profit has shot up but I could do with a site with decent traffic and plenty of fish (Couldn't we all).
As I can't get to grips with cash games the STT are where I want to stay and I don't really want to mix up and change my game as it's been profitable in the stakes I've been playing and every time I try to change I get shafted as my timing is all wrong and people call with any 2 cards and will call all the way down so bluffing seems pointless against these tards.
Any advice would be appreciated.
FT seems an obvious choice but I'm not sure about the standard. I could always stay where I am on the $10 but will feel like I'm mssing out on doubling the return. Also any more than 2 tables at a time and I don't get enough information on the opposition so I end up joining a game every 20 mins. (Maybe I'm the tard lol).
Away in Devon (Brixham) from now til Tuesday with the Wife trying to sort things out so def not going to be playing too much poker (don't want to take the piss) but with being on the beer today and then mooching around until we go home Tuesday hopefully we can just resolve a few issues as our lad is staying with his Nan. I have my negotiating pants on so we'll have to see what happens.
Anyways good luck all.
3 men on their honeymoon are talking. Each one reckons he will shag his Wife the most that night. They decide to let each other know the number of times by the amount of toast they order at breakfast the following morning so their Wives don't get suspicious.
The next morning the first man order 3 pieces of toast, the 2nd man orders 4 pieces of toast and looks pleased with himself until the 3rd man shouts "I would like 6 pieces of toast and make 2 of them brown!!"
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
Spending alot of time with my lad now that the Wife and I have split up and in all honesty I'm probably doing more with him than when I was at home.
Spent a fair bit of time down at a boating pond near where we live with his remote control boat and he was happy as Larry until people came alonger with bigger, faster boats. I've had a chat with a few of them and their boats cost upwards of £300 so he'll have to wait a bit.
Did get advised to pick up a stealth remote controlled speed boat by one of the blokes as they are more suitable for a 10 year old so that should be a decent surprise for him and keep him a bit happy for at least an hour or so.
He's kicking the crap out of me on his Wii at Mario Karting, boxing and tennis but in turn I'm doing the same to the mate I've moved in with.
Funnily enough the Wife and I have got on sweet since I moved out and have had a few nights out and a couple of meals and are planning a few days away in the Half Term week. If we carry on like this things might not be done and dusted just yet so the break from the antagonism might be just what we needed but there are a few areas that we need to compromise on (time spent playing poker being one of them) so we will see. I'd be more than happy to play loads of volume 2 nights a week and lay off it the rest of the time but I'm not telling her that yet as I've got my own negotiations to put on the table first lol.
Leave it there for now and hopefully will continue to make a few more ££ before the end of the month.
Apologies for the lack of a joke but I haven't had any decent ones recently. Feel free to comment with some of your own.
Good luck all . . . .
Thursday, 1 October 2009
Saturday, 19 September 2009
Notts County 5/6
£4 outlay = £35 return on FT coupon and £128 on HT coupon.
3rd attempt at posting my footie bet so would be nice to have a f'in win.
After the local derby last week I don't think Brum would have scored if we had played til Thursday as we didn't seem to have any invention, just grit which will only ever get you a point. To be fair to Villa their defence was top notch and I was hoping that might be their weakness with 3 new players having their debut's.
Poker is just up and down atm but won't be playing for a couple of nights after tonight as I'm off to Hereford for a nights golf break. Looking forward to the afternoon round but after getting smashed on the night the following mornings golf is normally a fookin disaster.
Oh well lets hope the footie bet comes off and Blues can see off Hull.
Post footie edit - Bollox to the betting. WP Blues.
How come when your Wife and girlfriend is pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations!" but none of them rub your cock and say "well done!!".
Good luck all.
Saturday, 12 September 2009
West Brom 4/11
Forfar 4/5 £4 outlay = £47 return on FT coupon and £174 on HT coupon.
Better relaxation has resulted in a £50 poker profit for the month so far (whoopee do!!) so will hope to keep this up.
Big match tomorrow with the Brum derby. Come on Blues. Work will be a fookin nightmare for the next week or more if we lose so tbh I'll settle for a draw.
A new social networking site for battered wives has been launched.
Its called "Twatter!"
Sunday, 6 September 2009
Got a busy time starting again now with the 2nd year of my 3 year foundation degree due to start and my 2nd eldest lad having finished school and starting a bricklaying apprenticeship tomorrow.
Poker will take a backseat for a bit which is fine by me as I think I have been overdoing it for a few weeks and am playing a bit yo-yoish.
Not alot else to report really and will post again after the Blues/Villa game next Sunday, then its anniversary weekend followed by a golf weekend so can't be bad.
Good luck all.
Mick is in court for a double murder. The judge says "You are charged with beating your Wife to death with a hammer." Man at the back of the courtroom yells out "Wanker!" The room goes silent. The Judge continues "You are also charged with beating your Wifes lover to death with a hammer". Again the man yells out "You fuckin wanker!!" The Judge having had enough, looks at the man and says "Sir, I can understand your anger at the crime but I will have no further outbursts. If you have something to say, say it now". The man stands up and says "For 15 years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I ask him if I could borrow a fucking hammer the lying wanker said he didn't have one!!"
Friday, 4 September 2009
Poker has gone a bit off the boil so could do with a lazy Saturday afternoon doing nothing but watching Gillette Soccer Saturday and the racing and hopefully earn a few quid without the need to concentrate on my laptop screen and save the hassle of donating to the other fish (I think I've become one or maybe I always was).
I cannot give you any massive reason to go along with my picks as all I look at is the league table (which means little after a handful of games) and the team news on BBC sport.
Here goes - (WillHill footie odds) Half time coupon odds in brackets.
Charlton at home to Brentford 8-13 (6-5)
MK Dons at home to Huddersfield 6-5 (15-8)
Aldershot at home to Hereford 10-11 (13-8)
Crewe at home to Macclesfield 8-13 (6-5)
Torquay at home to Bournemouth 11-8 (11-5) or Gillingham at home to Exeter 13-10 (13-8)
Pick up from a £4 on the long list would be £100.79 and £4 on the half time coupon would be £383.51 if you include Gillingham rather than Torquay.
I'm going to have a few quid on both half time and full time coupons but need to make my mind up out of the last 2 fixtures but will probably go for Gillingham.
Teacher asks class to name things that end with "tor" that eat things. 1st little boy says "alligator". "Very good that's a big word" . . . 2nd little boy says "predator" . . "Yes, that's another big word" . . . 3rd boy says "vibrator miss". After nearly falling off her chair she says "Thats a big word but it doesn't eat anything!". The lad says "Well my Sisters got one and she says it eats batteries like fuck!!"
Good luck all
Monday, 31 August 2009
Sometimes last minute goals go for you (Everton in my bet yesterday) and sometimes against (Spurs vs Blues on Saturday).
Villa are the next visitors in a fortnight and that will be important for local pride as well as the points we will need but tbh we look quite organised at the minute and it was difficult to assess Villa yesterday against a very poor Fulham performance yesterday.
Not much else to report tbh but am saving my footie betting slips until I need the cash when the shift allowance dries up this month.
The Mother of Caster Semenya, Womens 800m World Champion, has expressed her outrage at her Daughter having to undergo a gender test.
She said, "This is a complete kick in the bollocks for my Daughter!"
Thursday, 20 August 2009
On the poker front I seem to be on a heater of sorts with the $10 DYM’s and got a 7th last night in the WillHill SuperSeries winning $141 for an $8 outlay so happy about that. With a bit of luck and continued form I’m hoping to move up to the $20 DYM’s by the end of September if not before.
Tbh I’m not sure whether I’m doing the BRM thing the right way but as soon as I get to my next target (£750) I am going to move up whether the roll has come from STT’s or MTT’s. As far as I’m concerned I have just 1 roll so can move up when I can afford it. Is this correct?
I am thinking of playing some live poker at the Grosvenor Walsall at some point after seeing an article in the Inside Poker magazine and fancy the £20 freezeout on a Saturday night but am a bit put off as it is self dealt and I have only ever played live in a social club environment or home game so am not overly confident in the dealing stakes and will probably make a few errors. It is something I am interested in getting into though so might just go and have a look to begin with.
The decent thing about online poker games though is that if you get knocked out you can find another in a couple of minutes and whereas with live poker I could be sitting around for a while railing whoever I go with as I won’t drive as I like a tot.
As a final point UKGatsby has done a cracking post If Carlsberg done Footballers On Facebook :) and its well worth a look.
That will do for now. Good luck.
Paddy and Mary went to counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked about the problems Mary had a list of issues, neglect, loneliness, unloved etc. Afterwards the therapist got up, walked around his desk, asked Mary to stand up and then unbuttoned her blouse, caressed her breasts and kissed her while Paddy watched.
"This is what your Wife needs 3 times a week" the therapist said, "Can you manage that?"
Paddy thought about it for a minute and said "I can drop her off on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays I play golf".
Saturday, 15 August 2009
A dream season would see Birmingham champions by 6 points, Villa relegated with the lowest ever points total, me winning a football bet and no injuries to the England squad prior to the World Cup.
In reality it will be a dour struggle with McCleish already making excuses for his probable failure with the lack of spends he has had (£20m) and saying he needs more players. In all honesty he may well do but ffs get on with it and stop clouding things with your negativity.
Villa will probably do okay though they have spent jack shit and haven't replaced Barry.
My football bets always fuck up but I'll post them each week so you know who to avoid.
My shift work finishes next week which on the negative sees me lose the 25% shift allowance, work no more nights (I quite liked them with no top brass around), spend more time in rush hour traffic.
However on the positive I can spend more time with the family, try not to look so tired (my eyes look so black underneath I look like a panda) and have every weekend free.
Thats enough for now and poker is slowly getting better thank fook.
Bloke marries a deaf girl and says "We need a code for sex. I'll squeeze your left tit if I want it and you pull my cock once for yes and 253 times for no".
Tuesday, 11 August 2009
My Sharkscope graph has taken a right hammering so I have decided to try and continue to play the SnG's until the end of August and if there is no improvement then go back to MTT's as that was where I seemed to fair better before WillHill moved to iPoker.
If anyone wants a cheap holiday destination you can't do much better than Turkey as they are not in the EU and you can still get a large beer for 1.5 YTL or 65p in some places and even when they go up after 9:30pm it is only £1.50 which is a lot cheaper than the Eurozone. Add 40 degree temperatures, good food and a swimming pool and you can't go far wrong (unless you have 10+ pints in the morning, sunbathe without your hat or lotion on and then go for a swim, in which case you might feel a bit ropey).
Friday, 24 July 2009
Have lost over $100 playing DYM S&G's since going up a level. Don't get me wrong the standard is no different I've just been playing like a twat who is constantly on tilt so a fortnights break with alot a sun and swimming is just what I need and when I get back I'll try and recover the losses.
Quick post as its not overly positive and will hopefully rectify that in a few weeks.
Good luck . .
An Irishmen cleaning his rifle accidentally shot his Wife and dialled 999.
Paddy "Its my Wife. I've accidentally shot her. I think I've killed her!"
Operator "Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure that she's really dead?"
Paddy "Okay done. Now what!!?"
Wednesday, 15 July 2009
From a Brit point of view we have 1 left in James Akenhead (http://www.pokerhitsquad.com/) so will be railing him from afar via http://www.pokernews.com/wsop/2009/event-57/ live updates to see if he can make it to the November 9.
A decent shout also need to go out to fellow blogger Chuck Clark (A Year in the Life) who came a more than very respectable 115th for $40k and who I lived the dream through until he bust out on Day 6. Well done Sir.
On a personal level I have played 50 of the $10 turbo DYM and have won just 6 more than I have lost and only the rake has kept me level but am going to plough on regardless.
I have found that playing when you are calm and collected seems to put you in a better mindset than when you are pissed and just had a ruck with the Mrs!!! So with this in mind I am going to avoid the Mrs to safeguard my poker. (That might not be the right way round)
Enough for now.
Good luck to James Akenhead in his quest for the November 9.
Builder on the 3rd floor forgot to bring his saw up with him. He shouts down to his mate but he can't hear him so he does sign language. He points to his eye (I), his knee (need) and moves hand back and forth in a saw motion.
His mate nods, pulls down his pants and starts wanking furiously.
The builder runs down the ladders as quick as he can and shouts "What the fuck are you doing?? I said I need my saw!!"
"I know" said his mate. "I was just letting you know I was coming!!"
Tuesday, 7 July 2009
Monday, 29 June 2009
Thanks to all those who commented on my previous post. No decision will be taken lightly and there is along way to go on both sides to make amends.
On the poker front things are going on the back burner as that is one of the issues (Too much time playing and not enough time communicating and I can'y really have too many arguments with that).
Will be limiting myself to WillHill SuperSeries and a couple of STT's on other nights to cut down a little.
Cracking weather atm so need to be taking full advantage of that and would like to lie in the garden but need to work on it first as sun, rain, sun, rain is feckin brilliant conditions for growing weeds obviously and imo it is either too wet to mow the lawn etc or too sunny to spend time doing it. Oh well better get my arse into gear before I find a Attenborough in there.
Hope all is well with you all . . .
Joke of sorts -
A story with a moral . . .
Blokes girlfriend calls him round to her house one day and he finds her Sister alone in the house. She was unbelievably sexy and wearing nothing but a negligee.
She whispered in his ear "I have feelings for you, please make love to me just once."
He turned to the door and ran out to his car.
He was amazed to see his girlfriend sitting on his bonnet and she ran towards him and flung her arms around him and said "I love you so much and will always trust you after today!!"
Moral - It is always best to keep your condoms in your car and not in your pocket!!.
Saturday, 27 June 2009
a) None of you know me personally and therefore have no preconceived ideas
b) None of my mates know I do a blog and are not that interested in poker anyways.
c) I hope to get an honest perspective
d) If anyone is just giving shit advice I would hope to have the nous to recognise it ( but you never know)
e) I’ve had a tot and it seems like a good idea
So the question is (and it is probably longwinded due to ale))
Would you finish a relationship even though it meant a slightly worse standard of living for your Wife and 10 year old ( particularly upsetting for the 10 year old due to the upheaval and upset in his life, he is absolutely paramount) and yourself if you were not happy?
I’m not on about just slightly aggrieved, more getting slowly ground down, more on a personal level rather than through your Wife’s fault or absolutely anything to do with your Son.
Selfish as it sounds I am a firm believer in “You only live once” and being 40+ years of age etc etc etc.
My lad is paramount in my thoughts but I know we will see each other ¾ times a week and he will be doted on and be given a level upbringing.
The thing is and this is a bit fooked up but I like my house and we have an apartment in Turkey so we would have to split the equity which would leave us with a few quid but am thinking of sacrificing all this for a “potential” happier existence.
TBH I have already left a couple of times only to miss my home comforts and Cameron and I know it is hurting Maggie as she loves me and it is killing her confidence for which I am not proud as she had it in abundance.
My lad knows there is something up and surely he deserves a contented upbringing even if there is grief in the (hopefully) short term or is it the case that you stay together for the sake of the kids.
By the way I’m on my second marriage and have 2 kids by the first and we get on like mates more than father/son but that can have its benefits as they tend to listen more than my mates kids do.
This sounds worse as I write it tbh but will put it out there anyways but may delete it tomorrow…
No joke with this post so apologies if you keep up with the blog for that alone.
Friday, 26 June 2009
This post isn't particularly about that even though he was fantastic in his day and a genius with his music and choreography.
No, this post is about Uri Geller, a fella who professes to have been best mates with Jacko, but who gave the most disrespectful interview that I saw last night while at work.
First of all he says he's speechless but then goes on and on inanely about how Michael didn't have a childhood etc and felt that this had affected him badly. Secondly he says that Michael had had far more operations than is widely known and then and this is the worst of the worst he says Now I probably shouldn't say this but Michael had the operations so that he would not look like his Dad or words to that effect.
FFS the fella had been dead for a couple of hours and you expect glowing references music wise not vicious gossip that affects the whole clan. He only needed to mention the court cases and he would have filled his boat.
So fair play to MJ, who was after all never found guilty by a court of law, just the media but if you have any mates like the fuckwit Geller give them a smack as you may pop your clogs before them so might as well get in first.
Man in a bar orders 10 double whiskies which he downs in one.
Barman says "What up mate?"
Bloke says " I just found out my youngest Son is gay!"
The following day he is back in the bar and orders 15 double whiskies which he downs in one.
Barman says "Whats happened now?"
Bloke says "I just found out my oldest Son is gay!"
The next day he's back and orders 20 doubles
The barman says "Fuck me does no-one in your house like pussy?"
Fella says "The Wife does apparently!!!!"
Tuesday, 23 June 2009
I apparently have an ability of 62/100 so am probably just above average which is fair enough and can now work to improve my graph, ROI, total profit and ability which should all tie in together anyways.
Am hoping to be able to move up to the next level, $10, for STT's in the next week as I need just £60 to be able to do this. Bankroll management is a pain in the arse but I am enjoying the challenge of it and when my roll gets to circa £1500 will start to withdraw £500 when I get to £2000 to pay some bills off. This is probably some way off but it's a nice thought and something to aim for.
At the moment the WillHill Super Series is very good value as it is half price and the prizepool is roughly double the buyins and you get approx 3 x your stake for just making the money so with a small layout there can be decent prospects. They run Sunday, Monday, Wednesday and Friday with the bigger buyins (if you can call them that) on the Sunday and Monday. The Sunday tourney kicks off at 18:00GMT and the others at 19:30GMT. Not advertising for them but just saying there is value to be had.
Thats it for now
A man suspected his Wife of straying, so he hired Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to report any activity while he was away. Days later he recieved this report ..........
Most honourable Sir, You leave house, I watch. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go in hotel, I climb tree, I look in window.
He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. He play with she, she play with he. I play with me, I fall off tree, I no see. No fee. Chen Lee.
Good luck all
Friday, 12 June 2009
The holiday was a good laugh with lots of rest (re-read a couple of poker books), beer and sun.
It was nice to have a rest from poker and re-evaluate how much time I spend with the family.
All in all with my change of working hours fast approaching I will have more time to spend playing poker but intend to keep to the hours I currently play and use the rest of the time to teach my lad footie and cricket and whatever else he wants to know. He has only just got into football at the age of 10 and is a bit behind his mates who have been playing for a few years so I want to help him with his control etc as he tends to just hoof the ball at the moment so is currently eligible for the Birmingham defence.
My current aims regarding poker are just to make profit so that I can move up the STT levels, however long it takes, as I am finding the game as a whole harder to beat and the MTT's take too long to complete on i-poker so can't forsee any decent size 1 off wins like the 3/4 I had last year.
Good luck all and to the Brits at the WSOP.
Rev John Flapps sees a lady church member getting drunk in the pub. He tries to take her back to her home but they fall and he lands on top of her.
The landlord says "Hey mate you can't do that in here!!"
The Rev replies "You don't understand. I'm Pastor Flapps".
The Landlord says "Oh well. If you're that far in you might as well finish."
Thursday, 21 May 2009
The first year of my Foundation Degree has finished and I’m glad to say I have enjoyed it and am quite looking forward to the 2nd year. (Looking forward to the 4 month break more though).
Poker seems to be a bit up and down but have posted a £130 profit for May so am £130 up for the year as I’ve been level so far which at least keeps the bankroll alive.
With poker it seems as though just as I think I’ve cracked something I realise I might not have. I think I need to be more aggressive on the 10 player STT’s when there are 5/6 left but keep getting caught with my hand in the cookie jar so I might read up on these when I’m away.
Have played a couple of the Super Series on WillHill and got a FT in the smallest of them but with the new ipoker skin all the other MTT’s seem to go on for hours which is no good when you still have a day job.
Finally I got called into a meeting last week to be told that the firm need an experienced Team Leader doing permanent day shifts as we had won more work and the business did not want to commit to new headcount in the current climate. Suffice to say that they had re-jigged my Out Of Hours shift which sees 2 Shift Leaders do permanent nights and report into me so that I am not needed on nights anymore. Sounds fooking marvellous apart from the fact that from 1st September I will no longer receive shift allowance so bang goes 25%. Wounded? Yes just slightly but I could see it coming so no major shock and to be fair they only had to give us 1 months shift allowance in leiu and they have given 3 months so not all bad.
Still very positive all in all as there are plenty being made redundant at the moment and it gives me more time with the family and to settle into a better sleep pattern which might help with the concentration when I fire up the lappy.
Think I’ve wittered on enough and I need to pack my speedos.
What do clouds and women have in common?
Once they’ve fooked off it’s usually a nice day.
Saturday, 9 May 2009
First of all the mighty Birmingham City are back where they belong (for a season at least). A good result and performance against Reading and we were up. Be interesting to see what we do in the close season and who we get in to help with the survival bid but I'd rather be playing Man U, Liverpool, Arsenal and of course Villa than Barnsley, Forest etc.
On the poker front things are looking up as well. (My Will Hill name is fuktheriva)
I have found a $5 STT tourney that I can beat at the moment. Its called a double stack and all I seem to have to do is sit there, wait for big hands and then bet whatever I feel like (always seems to be at least one caller). I just have to remember not to play marginal hands.
There is no skill involved til you are near the bubble which suits me just fine at the moment.
I have attached my Sharkscope graph as it stands (+$100) and the negative element was when I was getting used to the game and trying to work out a system that would win. I've currently got a 23% av. ROI which is pretty decent.
My question that I would like an answer on is how many BI do I need to up the stakes to the $10
games? Am happy enough with the $5 ones but want to maximise without putting my bankroll at risk as this in itself affects my play.
Finally I had a little £4 5 timer on the footie with draws in the Preston, Scunthorpe, Fulham, Hull and Millwall games this weekend which pays out a whopping £1161.85 and with the first 2 drawing last night there are todays 3 games to go so wish me luck.
Nice to write a positive post and if I can sort out the bankroll question I can see positive results ahead if I don't need to worry about playing at the correct levels.
Man in bedroom shouts through to his girlfriend... " come into the bedroom and see my clock".
She enters the room and he is lying on the bed with a massive erection.
She says "Thats not a clock". Bloke replies "It will be when you put 2 hands and a face on it!"
Good luck all...
Friday, 1 May 2009
One day maybe….
I think I need to set up a new grading system (Noddy Belt perhaps) where you play for the first 4 months of the year and just about break even and sometimes wonder why you’re not losing more when your playing like a twat and spend an equal time wondering why you’re not winning more when you are on top of your game.
TBH with the poker being on the net where you also find the porn sites I reckon I would have trouble putting in 6 hours of play with out the essential wank and the shuteye that automatically occurs afterwards. It might take me 3 days to do 1 days worth of hours.
Does live poker count? (For the grading not the wanking)
I have been playing the very small cash games in the past few days having seen some of the hands posted by fellow bloggers but know I am playing too tight. I see what others are betting and calling with on all streets on the tables I play and the mind boggles. They also seem to call any raise now matter how many times the blind pre so I reckon I need to stay as I am (maybe a tad looser) and just bet like a maniac when I get something.
April was another level month and I have 3 weeks of my part-time Uni course left before a 4 month break where I aim to put in the hours that I did before and hope for a positive outcome.
I also go on my hols in 3 weeks and am planning to take some poker vids to watch which can’t do any harm as I’ll be wearing my balls as earrings if I even think about playing poker while we are away.
Oh well – Good luck to all those going through the grading and an equal amount to the rest of us.
The US, UK and Ireland all conducted studies into why the head of the penis was thicker than the shaft. The US found it was to give a man more pleasure during sex, the UK found it was to give the woman more pleasure during sex and the Irish found it was to stop a mans hand flying off and hitting him in the face!!
Saturday, 25 April 2009
Poker is just stagnant at the moment and I am still level for the year and just can’t get things moving forward which is a tad annoying.
The positive to take out of it is that I am not losing but looking back on the last couple of years I have been a couple of £k up by now and in all honesty I could do with the money to pay a couple of bills. Not to worry I’ll keep trying.
I was hoping to post to celebrate Birmingham City’s promotion but it all went awry following numb nuts Bowyer’s sending off and tbh I think we can still beat Reading as the pressure is off away from home but we will have to wait and see.
Got to be said though we have not been playing decent football all season except for the odd game and a lot of fans have been more than a little pissed off with the standard on offer.
If we do go up we might as well order the parachute while the silk industry is in recession.
When we do I might offer Steve Holden a proposition that I pay him a quid for every goal Villa score against us in the local Derby and he can give me a grand for every goal we score against them.
Not sure though as he might consider it an easy tenner.
But as he’s Vile (Villa) through and through you never know lol.
Oh well that’s all for now. Good luck all …..
After complaints, the makers of Cluedo have made a new beginners version. It includes a black male character, so now you only have to work out how and where he did it.
Saturday, 4 April 2009
I'm not very good anyways but given that I was lumping an 8 iron further than my 1 wood and that I was missing putts from 3 foot it just dissolved into the rest taking the piss mercilessly which tbf is the way it always goes anyways as we are all a bunch of piss-takers. Everyone then has a few jars with tales of their youth which are always good to hear and obv bring back memories for them and gives me an insight into what my Dad and his mates got up to (nothing bad but just funny stories of holidays, trips to the Rugby and various scrapes etc).
One particular story had me in bits when they were at a France/England game in Paris and had all had a fair few scoops. One of my Dad's mates (Mick) mis-reads a wine list and didn't quite note a couple of zero's on the cost of a bottle of wine in Francs. The wine then arrived and when they realised it was a £200 bottle of wine rather than the usual £5 plonk Duncan (Micks Brother) realises the error and starts calling him a twat etc which quickly descended into a drunken fisticuffs between the pair while the rest of the party try to split them up. Needless to say in the kerfuffle the table goes over and the £200 bottle of wine with it which smashed all over the floor so no-one had so much as a snifter of it. Thankfully the owner did not call the Gendarmerie (prob spelt wrong) and it was all forgotten about after a couple more bottles of the cheap stuff.
The next trip is planned for September at Belmont Lodge near Hereford http://www.belmont-hereford.co.uk/ The deals you can get in the current economic climate are great. September will be the same scenario with bed, breakfast and evening meal and 2 rounds of golf for £45.
On the poker front I haven't done alot as I am trying to play micro cash to build my roll slowly rather than go bust on MTT's. If I can stop the rot I'll be happy.
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him and said "My name is Carmen". "Beautiful name" he replies.
"Yes, I gave it to myself as it reflects my 2 favourite things - cars and men" she winks.
"Whats your name?"
"Beercunt!" was his reply.
Hope things are going well for you.
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
- £180 for the month and with just over £200 left I am going to have to be careful.
Not going to whinge as its been a combo of shyt play and the odd bad one thrown in just to piss me off.
A Welsh farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says "This is the pig that I have to fuck when you're not up for sex!" His Wife says "I think you'll find that is a sheep". He says "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!"
Saturday, 28 March 2009
Rang up to find that the Police had done a spot check on him and found 11 wraps of weed so had arrested him for possession with intent to supply. I should point out at this point that he is 15. I rang the Police Station and advised that I would act as appropriate adult and they advised that he had requested a Duty Solicitor and that I should be at the station in a couple of hours. Went round to see his Mom and she was in bits as the Police had stomped round and turned his room over to try and find either more drugs or paraphenalia (prob spelt wrong). Anyways there was nothing found but with 2 younger kids and the worry of knowing that this is a bit more than his normal piss taking she was in bits. I don't think kids realise the affects and impacts their behaviour has on others. He does now btw as I made sure that we all sat down and said our piece (his piece was alot shorter than ours naturally).
However the Duty Solicitor was the best decision he's made for a while as he not only advised him the best way to answer the questions to minimise any charges, not put himself in any strife by advising he did not want to divulge where he bought it from and get away from the intent to supply element but also advised him of the sort of sentence he can expect should he continue along this path as he had had numerous clients who had followed this route.
Tbh Callum was shocked and even though he said it had been for his own personal use I don't think any of us believed him but he still denies that it was for anything other than himself and provided the seriousness sinks in then we might as well draw a line under it.
Now some of you might wonder why I'm not banging on about the fact that he smokes the shit but tbh even though his Brother had told me that he had the odd smoke we had had the drink, drugs, smoke chat and you can't follow them everywhere and this situation sort of trumped the smoking issue anyway.
Anyways with the solicitors help the senior police bods decided that it was best all round to give him a reprimand which I hope has done the trick. If it happens again he is a fookin idiot as the solicitor told him and the custody officer agreed that he will be getting stopped and searched alot more in future as they will feel it is fully justified.
On the way home I checked that he did not owe anyone for the said bags of weed and that no-one was putting him under any pressure and did the fatherly chat thing about what sort of people drug dealers are and that they would think nothing of hurting him to make a point to others.
Moody post I know but life ain't just poker which is shit by the way.
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be? The man says "A premature ejaculation ." "What?" says the woman. The man says "I've just come in my pants."
Sunday, 22 March 2009
I am posting this as the platform has gone down and I can't get on (bit of a pisser as I can see my monicker on the Bluesq site gradually blinding away. Oh well should get the stakes back with a bit of luck and half decent customer service)
Anyways on the plus side there is decent traffic which I need to get used to as playing against 1500+ rather than 200+ has cost me a few quid but as I wasn't winning anyway and was expecting a transitional loss so be it. Do you approach playing larger fields in the same way. I'm a natural TAG until I get bored and then I'm a natural twat.
On the negative I rather liked crypto as you could upload your own pic and sort of personalise stuff and it was an advantage knowing your opponents as you played them day in day out.
These are my first thoughts anyways...
An Irish woman has just been kicked off Who Wants To Be A Millionaire for masterbating. She did'nt quite grasp the fastest finger first. :)
Hope your doing well
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
I will now be know as fuktheriva (Bit apt really with current suck outs and its just asking for comments).
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen" she said. " Beautiful name" he replies. " Yes I gave it to myself as it reflects my two favourite things - Cars and men" she winks. "Whats your name?"
"Beercunt!" was the reply.
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
I feel my game is all about confidence but when you are confident that the turn and river will fook you it's not quite the confidence you need.
Anyways bollox to this I will just have to keep going and wait until things turn in my favour.
Got mailed this clip which is an inspiration.
Delivery man breaks down on the M4 so he flags Paddy down. He says to him "I've got 6 monkeys in the back of my van. I'll give you £100 if you'll take them to Bristol Zoo for me". Paddy agrees. 2 hours later he sees Paddy driving the other way with the monkeys still in the back! He flags him down and shouts across "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?" Paddy says "I did but we had £30 left so I'm taking them to the pictures!!"
Sunday, 8 March 2009
Thing is I'm bringing it all on myself by playing p1ssed, tired or both.
Have posted more than once to remind myself not to do it but when the world is blurry its difficult to read let alone play pokerage.
Oh well. Short post as I need another beer.....
Two gay men were in a dark alley when a policeman shone his torch into it. One of them ran off but the policeman grabbed the other. "You dirty bastard. If I'd of caught your mate I would have shoved my truncheon right up his arse". A voice from the alley called out "Yoohoo I'm behind the wheelie bin".
Monday, 2 March 2009
The best enjoyment I am having in the poker atm is playing the Apat online National League where I have been in the Birmingham team. TBH the format and banter is a good craic and it makes me concentrate as I feel that the team might be reliant on me for a few points here and there. The games are only every other Sunday and I managed a 3rd yesterday which got me a few $ and helped the team get to joint top of the league. If anyone out there plays in the Central league I play under the moniker SOTV1875 so say hello.
Other than that I just seem to be plugging away and then donking my chips off when I get bored in MTT's or fooking up STT's even though I know the correct standard format to play.
Anyways a relatively short post.
Hope you are all enjoying yourselves...
Woman buys a wall mirror from B&Q. The Manager says "Do you want a screw for that?"
"No" she said "but I'd suck your cock for a lawn mower!!"
Friday, 20 February 2009
Friday, 13 February 2009
3rd small MTT win of the year and its the 3rd £2 MTT that started at 8pm. This is the time I start playing most nights as my Son goes to bed at 8pm. Still not had a fag but have got a chest infection so even if I was still smoking I wouldn't want one anyways. I have coughed that much my chest feels like its been kicked by a horse and the cough medicine mixed with the cough sweets has given me the wind something terrible/terrific (Depending on whether you are the Wife or me). One problem though with having terrible wind and a chest infection is that it has to be said, occasionally, you are hoping that that last one was just wind with nothing thrown out as well. Hope you are also having some luck on the virtual or real felt..
Bought myself a new deodorant today. Instructions said "Take off top and push up bottom" Still in casualty at the moment but my farts smell nice.
Tuesday, 10 February 2009
I do hope this works but having given up for 18 months a few years ago only to start again during the last World Cup I know that I can't afford to have even 1 more smoke or I'll be off again and when you hit the big 40 whether you mean to or not you do think what you can do to maximise your time on the mortal coil.
When I gave up for the 18 months I went with a mate to a hypnotherapist and even though he did not put me under, for the reasons given below, the images he described were very graphic so I gave up anyway.
When we went to the hypnotherapist I went in first and he started talking about the known health hazards of smoking and then the impact that it has on your nearest and dearest. Tbh it shit me up to think about the potential outcomes. He then said he was going to relax every muscle in my body while he transferred these thoughts into my mind. The only problem was I was dying for a piss and thought to myself "If I relax every muscle in my body it's going to get a bit messy!!" He had already started so I closed my eyes as he had asked and just waited for it to end. He knew I had not been under as my eyeballs were moving around under my eyelids as I was thinking about different stuff. Didn't matter though as the images were enough to put me off. Before my mate went in I had considered trying to bribe the hypnotherapist to get my mate to have a wank every time he wanted a fag. (My mate had said he liked a fag at work and over a pint). I figured it would never happen but funnily enough my mate had called him before the appointment to try and bribe him into making me quack like a duck if I thought about a fag. Would have been the maddest conversation ever the following weekend if we had both bribed him and were trying to work out why our careers were up the Swanee and why my mate was having to sign a register each week.
Oh well that's it. Bugger all happening poker wise and back on nights tonight so will probably just play a 2 quidder MTT as I can work at the same time.
One day a long time ago in a land far far away lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch. But it was just one day and a fucking long time ago.